Developing Relationships
“Teamwork is connected independence.” -David Cottrell
Relationships are at the core of leadership. We influence and inspire others to act, and this foundationally starts with trust. Trust breaks down to honesty, integrity, and follow-through; it is built in a lifetime and lost in a second.
This week we explore the practices of building awareness, realizing potential, and developing relationships.
Hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone expects of you. -Henry Ward Beecher
We can develop effective relationships with 3 behaviors:
Understanding others’ values, styles & beliefs
Empathize with others
Supporting the success of others
UNDERSTANDING OTHERS’ VALUES, STYLES & BELIEFS:
Understanding others’ values, styles, and beliefs starts with emotional intelligence or EQ. This is the practice of self and social awareness, picking up on cues, observing behaviors, and talking with others about what they think, feel, and need.
Metaphor: Empathy antenna - Imagine an antenna inside designed to pick up on signals from others. For some, the antenna is turned way up, picking up on everything, especially the negative stuff. For others, it is turned way down, missing even the most basic social cues.
We have a choice to pay attention to the cues around us, listen, observe, and reflect from curiosity. This curiosity can help us not only observe how someone is feeling but why.
Caring requires curiosity - Curiosity requires Caring. - Thomas Epperson
In order to understand others’ values, styles, and beliefs, curiosity is always the first step, followed by paying attention to what your empathy antenna is telling you about what they are feeling, thinking, or needing in a given situation.
Questions are a powerful tool in our curiosity toolkit and are often neglected. Asking powerful open-ended questions with curiosity gives us clues. Example Open-Ended Questions:
What energizes you
What upsets you
How do you like others to communicate with you
How do you like to solve a problem
REFLECTION EXERCISE: After an interaction with someone, examine the following:
Do you listen to answers without judgment
How long before you feel the urge to interrupt
How do you handle distractions (phones, people, etc.)
How long before you zone out
How long before you disagree with something they say
How long before you offer a solution or try to fix a problem
I had to learn to ask questions in a way where I showed that I understood psychologically, what’s driving the other person. There’s a deeper way of learning how to ask questions. - Arnold Donald CEO Carnival Cruises
To build others’ commitment and not just their compliance to a vision or task, we must make them feel safe and build trusting relationships with them.
EMPATHIZING WITH OTHERS:
Research shows that empathetic leaders experience less stress and have more positive emotions. Empathy means:
Understanding why people feel the way they do, even while not necessarily agreeing
First, be curious about how people feel, then seek to understand why without judgment (even if we disagree)
Validating others’ feelings and reflecting them back to them
The ability to see another perspective & gain insight into their feelings/thoughts
Empathy in action example: Your significant other has a terrible day at work. They had an argument with a co-worker and got chewed out by the boss. Arriving home, they are tired, worn out, angry, and a bit embarrassed. As they tell you the story, you can:
Freak out that they are going to lose their job
Keep glancing at your phone as they tell you the story
Listen to them for a minute or two, then tell them what they need to do
Listen to them, and once they are finished, say, “It sounds like you had a hard day. That must have been tough;” then validate their feelings: “It sounds like you feel frustrated; that must be irritating…”
Acknowledging and validating the thoughts and feelings of others is powerful in making the connection and building trust. To strengthen relationships at work and elsewhere, stop telling people how to feel or offering advice. Instead, be curious and fully engaged to understand at a deeper level.
People don’t care what you know, until they know you care. - Theodore Roosevelt
SUPPORTING THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS:
To maximize this impact, we need to adapt our approach because everyone is different and requires different things from us as leaders. If we understand others’ values, styles & beliefs and we empathize with them, we can adapt our approach to be more effective with them.
The goal is to support the success of others:
Supporting others is not easy; it is more than just inspiration
Sometimes it means giving the toughest feedback they have ever received
Sometimes it means making a tough decision
Sometimes it means holding others accountable
Supporting others does not mean completely giving ourselves over to the needs of others, but rather considering the impact of our behaviors. The goal is to find that sweet spot between nurturing & challenging others to be their best:
Recognizing how they feel about a change
Recognizing the need to influence their thinking to help them understand what is happening in a given situation
Providing them with the right direction and support to be successful
Meeting people where they are may mean we settle for less movement than we like or a slower process than we hoped for.
By developing relationships, we will grow more influential and more effective, while making a positive difference in the lives of others. This is hard work, and it’s personal, about connecting in real ways with those around us. The more we can embrace this as a continuous act of growth, the more effective we can be as leaders.
“Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods. ”
7 Habits of Highly Effective Individuals - author Stephen R. Covey presents a holistic, integrated, principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems.
Developing the Leader Within You by John C. Maxwell - examines the differences between leadership styles, and outlines specific ways each reader can apply principles for inspiring, motivating, and influencing others. These principles can be used in any organization to foster integrity and self-discipline and bring positive change.
The 5 Levels of Leadership: Proven Steps to Maximize Your Potential by John C. Maxwell - Through humor, in-depth insight, and examples, internationally recognized leadership expert John C. Maxwell describes each of these stages of leadership. He shows you how to master each level and rise up to the next to become a more influential, respected, and successful leader.
Trust and Inspire by Stephen M.R. Covey - Bestselling author Stephen Covey has made it his mission to understand trust in organizations. In his new breakthrough leadership book Trust and Inspire, Covey shows that though our world has evolved, our style of leadership still has not—but it’s time to change that.
Menter Makers from Nasdaq Entrepreneurial Center - A free mentor matching platform to ignite the exchange of knowledge and experience from business leaders in support of entrepreneurs of all backgrounds.
“You are the artist of your life” Journal
Journaling is a powerful leadership tool to unlock ideas, release stress and anxiety, and reflect on your past while looking to the future. This journal is a tool to remind you that you are the artist of your life.
➡️ Available now!
HBR’s “On Managing Yourself”
This month's must-read for leaders is a compilation of vital Harvard Business Review articles focused on self-management. The book emphasizes the importance of self-reflection, urging professionals to recognize their core strengths and values as the bedrock of success. Designed to maintain engagement and productivity throughout one's career, it's an invaluable guide for leaders seeking sustained personal and professional growth
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